I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
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