so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Randomize
