So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
