I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
