I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
