I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize
