Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
