don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Randomize
