Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
