drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
