I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Randomize
