I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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