my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
