can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
I need to align my fucking chakras
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
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