If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Randomize
