I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize
