ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
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