You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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