If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
