either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Randomize
