Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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