We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
areolas are like halos for boobs.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Maybe he injected his testicle?
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Randomize
