seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
