My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
Randomize
