why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
