then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
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