I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
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