You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
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