Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
