I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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