dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize