shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
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