I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
