You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Randomize
