in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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