I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
Randomize
