I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize
