Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
