I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
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