I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
