Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
