If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
