I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
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