i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
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