So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Randomize
