dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
i black out too much to be "responsible"
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