I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
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