Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
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