why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
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