Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
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