i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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