He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
