a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I want a musical about memes.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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