She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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