u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
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