And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize
