Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
