Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
that is very illegal...i love you.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
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