Look at my ENTIRE past
Highly public sexual behavior gross mismanagement of funds socially unaccpetable and radical speech and thought
Might as well have a blog about it at this point
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
